


We are Stardust, We Are Golden

by she_who_the_river_could_not_hold



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Ad Astra au, Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Alternate Universe - Space, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Mild Sexual Content, alcohol consumption, that's like their entire arc we're starting sort of in the middle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:34:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23803924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/she_who_the_river_could_not_hold/pseuds/she_who_the_river_could_not_hold
Summary: Over the last few years, Raven Reyes has perfected one skill: isolation. She’s been running away from life to go on missions. Anything that keeps her in space, alone on her ship with the ghosts of her memories far behind.On her latest excursion – a trip to the far-off, uncharted moon called Alpha – she discovers a stowaway on her ship: John Murphy. He represents a past she’s trying to forget and there’s a tension between them she can’t get rid of. A reason she hides amongst the stars. But as desperate times thrust them back into operating side by side, her growing attraction to him becomes more difficult to ignore as they work to heal together.
Relationships: John Murphy/Raven Reyes
Comments: 24
Kudos: 38





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve had this story idea for a while now and it’s mainly been a projection of the types of movies that I WANT to be seeing (I’ve dubbed them Sad Space Girl™ stories) before I remembered that I write fanfiction and I can just do what I want. And then once I started working on it, I knew immediately it had to be a Raven and Murphy fic. I’m new to them but I’ve really loved getting to write them for the first time in this story! You can check out [the moodboard](https://she-who-the-river-could-not-hold.tumblr.com/post/615582178008612864/we-are-stardust-we-are-golden-raven-x) I made for it here on my tumblr. 
> 
> Title from the song “Woodstock” (but specifically the cover by Matthews’ Southern Comfort because that’s my favorite version of the song)!
> 
>  **General Content Warning:** In this story, Murphy and Raven (+ everyone else) were in the military. There are references to violence, the trauma from it, as well as canon suicide reference (Jasper). While I did my best to keep it in the realm of the show, I know these are still heavy topics and I'm more than happy to go more in depth about them if you'd like a more extensive warning. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy and thanks for checking this out!

**_“What did he find out there, in the abyss?”_ ** _– Ad Astra (2019)_

The low hum of the machines around her made waking up difficult, her eyes slowly blinking open from another dreamless night of sleeping. She hadn’t ever been able to dissect what exactly it was about the sleeping pods that blocked her mind from conjuring up uncontrollable images while she slept – hell, she wasn’t even sure if she just imagined they had something to do with it, but she was thankful all the same.

The last thing Raven Reyes needed was to see the faces of her past in her sleep. They haunted her enough during the day as it was. 

Pressing the small button to the side of her hips, Raven’s eyes adjusted to the brightness of the chamber while the lid of her sleeping pod slid back. The first few weeks on her ship had been a tricky adjustment with how the intensity of the lightbulbs shot straight to the front of your brain as they were revealed above the opening pod. But that was a couple years ago and now Raven barely registered the sharp change in contrast of light. 

Mornings were all the same. Routine was everything in space, something that she thrived on. 

Or maybe was just dependent on.

Either way, her days were rinse and repeat and that was exactly how she liked them. It was a far cry from her old mornings back in the City of Light, living in a cramped apartment with three other women where she felt like everything was out of control. Speeding past hovertrams and praying to whatever cosmic force that liked torturing her to give her just one break. The words had barely left the corporal’s mouth when she’d agreed to be stationed in space. Here, it was quiet. It was just her and the routine that she had put into place, just how she liked it. 

First, she pulled her hair immediately up into a tight ponytail. Not enough to break her hair but just enough to tug at her scalp and make her focus. Out of the way and not a distraction. Plus she didn’t like how soft she looked when it was down. It made her anxious, vulnerable. It didn’t matter that she was the only living person on this ship. Up it went. 

After that, it was time for hygiene. Toothpaste tablets had drastically improved since she had started going on missions, popping in a spearmint one and munching on it as she wiped her body down. Each swipe was a careful examination, double-checking that there was nothing abnormal that had changed over night. She wasn’t even sure what she was looking for if she was honest with herself. But every inch was precisely washed and checked, as if proving to herself that she was still alive and functioning. She’d argue to herself that she did the same thing with her tech, so why not with herself?

_The idea that she viewed herself as a piece of equipment, the same as the ones on her ship, was a conversation she wasn’t willing to have with herself._

It was a blessing to wear nearly an identical outfit every day. She didn’t have to think as she stepped into her usual black cargo pants, tight to her skin but somehow made of a material that still moved with her body. She got to mix it up with choosing between a tank top, a t-shirt, or a long-sleeved shirt. Far from her old wardrobe, and while occasionally she would have a flash of memory with a bright red jacket, she was more than okay with keeping her variety down. Clothes were to just help her function now; you couldn’t form attachments to the same dark gray shirt with just different sleeve lengths. There was no one to impress anymore anyway. Strapping on her leg brace was second nature and while at one point she had resented it, now she saw it as an extension of her mobility. An extension of herself.

After that, it was time to wake up her ship.

When she had been younger, the idea of having her very own ship was merely a pipe dream. One that she’d held onto for those late nights working as a mechanic, first on cruisers and then eventually to rockets and spaceships. She’d felt the metal underneath her fingertips and wished on every star in the galaxy that one day she would have one.

Admittedly, _Sanctum_ was still a piece of junk. 

But she was a piece of junk that Raven had drastically improved over the last couple years. She was home. Completely outfitted with everything she needed, save for a new coat of paint and shining up on the outside.

This ship was her baby, her everything. There was nothing else she’d want to be trapped in, hurtling through space on these missions. Her name was no accident. Not everyone named their ships, most just a combination of numbers and letters, but Raven had known immediately that she would be naming hers. Over time, the two of them had grown together. And once she had outfitted _Sanctum_ with the latest in an AI core system to help her run everything, she knew it was everything she could have ever hoped for. 

“Morning, ALIE. Time to run diagnostics on the ship,” Raven instructed, just as she did every morning. She’d arrived at the cockpit and slid into her chair, grabbing her COM reader as she did. The windows in front of her, sloping in conjunction with the pointed nose of the ship, looked out on a sea of blackness as they moved slowly through space. She took a long gulp from her thermos she’d filled up on the way here.

Maybe there was one thing she missed from Earth: coffee.

The metallic, robotic voice of her AI filtered through the silence as it worked through each room. Raven only had to half-listen, her eyes scanning the receipts she’d saved from the other day’s trip to the Moon and the City of Light’s Lunar Base. She had loaded up on some extra fuel for the long trip ahead, as well as treated herself to a few of the nicer vacuum-sealed meals. She had a long way to go until her next stop before leaving orbit so it wasn’t like she was going to be spending any more comps anytime soon.

“Gravity levels normal in the track room, set to lower in two hours for your training,” ALIE monotoned. Raven hummed, aimlessly now scrolling past an alert about the increase in Moon pirates that had popped up on her screen.

“Garden-door alerted. Human detection,” came the clipped voice of ALIE, interrupting her own evaluation with the update.

Raven nearly dropped the reader.

“ALIE, repeat alert.” 

She hated the way her voice changed in pitch. She’d spent so long learning to control her emotions but she was immediately jarred into a bundle of nerves at the slightest change in normalcy.

“Garden-door alerted. Human detection.” 

Her AI sounded just as calm as she was supposed to. It was a sharp contrast to the fear that spiked inside Raven. _Fuck fuck fuck._ A stowaway? How could that have happened? It had been two days since she’d left the base too, which meant someone had been successfully hiding out since she’d left the moon. The very thought made her skin crawl. 

“ALIE, pause diagnostics. Bring up the video feed of the garden.”

Raven swung around in her chair, her feet now firmly planted on the floor as she hunched over the reader. The article in front of her flickered before becoming an image of a blue-tinted, static-filled screen. The garden door came into view and she flicked her finger across the screen to zoom it in. 

There was a figure hunched alongside the glass wall.

Holy shit, someone else was really on her ship.

The light in the garden, along with the two-toned colors of her cameras, made it difficult to discern a face. It was more of a silhouette than anything. Somewhat tricky to tell –– could be a more masculine build. Certainly on the more slight side. She liked the odds that gave her if she needed to take them down. And she should have the element of surprise, ALIE’s diagnostics only ran in this room versus using the shipwide system. 

Grabbing her taser gun on the way out of the cockpit, Raven did her best to steady her breath. 

It had been a long time since she’d fought someone. But this was her damn ship and like hell was she going to let anyone just stow away on it. 

Tension knotted itself into her shoulders as she made her way down the hall. The metallic gray walls around her faintly reflected her shadow as she moved. Her steps were light, cautious. Her gun was lowered just in front of her, but her finger hovered just on the edge of the barrel so it would take only the slightest of movements for her to aim and shoot. The walk to the garden felt longer than normal, keeping her breath shallow and quiet as she inched forward. There was no way to know now if the person changed location without using the ship-wide communication system, and she didn’t want to alert them. 

Just before turning the final corner, Raven could hear the sound of the person muttering to themselves. Good — they hadn’t moved. She slowly raised her taser gun and stepped into the hallway. 

The lighting in the hallway was well-lit, if just a bit dim as she preserved energy where she could. But even in the muted, flickering lights she’d recognize that person anywhere. 

“Fancy seeing you here.” 

The words had dryly left her mouth before she even realized that was what she was going to say, but it was worth it to see him look up in surprise at being caught. 

His features were somehow even sharper than she remembered, his cheekbones angled and accented by the tightly shaved hair on the side of his head leading up to messier and longer brown hair. It wasn’t the sometimes floppy, sometimes slicked back hair she was used to but it was still undeniably him.

“Reyes,” John Murphy choked out, his hands flying up in surrender. “How about you aim that somewhere else?”

Shrugging, Raven kept the gun aimed at his chest. He didn’t need to know it was just a taser.

“I have a better idea. You get the hell off of my ship.”

At that, his lip curled ever so slightly.

“And how’s that going to happen, huh? You gonna float me? In case you hadn’t realized, we’re a couple days away from the Moon right now. Which, if you were wondering, is where I got on,” he retorted with a snap. She could never tell when he was being smug or angry with her. 

She struggled for a minute, realizing he was right. She couldn’t just kick him off her ship, they were already enroute to their destination and she didn’t want to waste fuel turning around. And she wasn’t about to open the airlock. She didn’t hate him that much.

Raven grit her teeth. “Fine. Then tell me what you’re doing here. I don’t appreciate stowaways, especially you.” 

“Gun down first.”

“Are you really trying to bargain with me right now Murphy? This is _my_ ship.”

It was almost comical that they were having this showdown. Raven would have laughed at it except for the fact that Murphy was easily the last person she ever wanted to see again and that even after all of this time, he knew how to perfectly get under his skin with his flippant, too-honest attitude. 

When she didn’t move though, Murphy slowly nodded his head and she was surprised when he kept his arms up. Maybe he wasn’t armed. It’d be a first. 

“Okay, okay. I’ll tell you what’s up if you please just put that blaster down.” 

Well, they had to get somewhere with this stalemate, so Raven reluctantly lowered the gun down – though she kept it in her right hand and didn’t sheath it. She wasn’t stupid and she was a quick draw. 

Murphy was quiet for a moment, staring at her while he seemed to figure out what he wanted to say. Whatever it was, it seemed to be a struggle.

“Emori left me.”

It wasn’t at all what Raven was expecting to hear.

She didn’t even really know how to react to it, watching as Murphy’s shoulders deflated after he spoke, his expression darkening. Raven knew she should probably apologize or whatever it was that people normally do. But all that came out instead was ––

“She always did deserve better than you.”

The bark of laughter that came out of Murphy was equally as unexpected as he rubbed at his neck anxiously, ruefully looking over at Raven for the first time since admitting to the break up. His eyes were narrowed and it was hard to tell if he’s smiling or grimacing. Probably both.

“Yeah… yeah I always knew that. I guess she just finally figured it out too.”

Raven gestured with the gun almost awkwardly. “So, now what? You’re just stowing away on ships? On the run?”

“Partially on the run, partially just trying to get somewhere new,” he replied with a short jerk of his head. “Being a thief on the same planet with an ex just seems to be… uh, not a great idea. I also want to give her space. It’s the least I can do after everything. So I figured I’d just set myself up for a new start. Find a new place to stake out, get my own ship.”

“Once a cockroach, always a cockroach.” Raven couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at her lips. _Some things never changed._

At that, the old nickname turned Murphy’s torn expression into an actual grin.

But now that the two stood awkwardly in the hallway, the humming of the ship filling the silence, Raven realized she didn’t know what to do. Everything she had pushed for since taking these missions, the ultimate goal of being alone, was shattered now. With the arrival of Murphy, she felt off-kilter. Her routine was broken. 

“I’m stopping at the Eligius space station to refuel in a couple of weeks,” she finally said, anything to break the swelling tension between them. She didn’t know if she was imagining it or if he felt it too, but she had to stop it before too many old emotions came to the surface. “You’re welcome to stay here until then. Like you said, I don’t want to push you out the airlock. And then you’re off my ship.”

Murphy slowly nodded, tension leaving his shoulders now that he had her permission to stay.

Maybe he had really thought she’d float him. Maybe she would have too, at least in the past.

But there looked like a similar pain in his eyes that she knew was in hers, and she couldn’t bring herself to do it. They’d been through a lot together already, what was a couple more weeks? 

She could survive this. 

“So what’s with the garden?” Murphy’s snarky tone still laced his words, but Raven welcomed it as the opening to change topics. 

Finally sheathing the taser, she began to explain to him the origin of the garden room. Its ability to grow different plants as an experiment to see how they reacted in space. As if on cue, the misting machines clicked on while she spoke. The purple and yellow haze around the jungle-like room grew heavier in the watering, before clearing again. As she explained the partnership she had with the government to report the stats from the growth, Raven stole a look over at Murphy. He was listening to her in some regard, but his eyes still seemed distant as he looked out at the plants. 

She almost told him how therapeutic it was to go in there some days. Not even always to check in on the plants, but to just lay in the grass. It had been recited to her multiple times about the healing properties of even just being around nature. She might have scoffed at it at first, but she’d learned otherwise now. 

But she kept it to herself and instead continued to rattle on about the benefits of having data regarding plant growth and effects of being grown in the spaceship’s hydro-farm. He remained silent the rest of the time she showed him around the ship, her voice the main sound echoing throughout it.

* * *

An unexpected part of Murphy now living on her ship was that she was now constantly aware of his presence — even if he wasn’t with her. 

It only took watching her talk to ALIE once for him to figure out that the AI was not only voice-activated, but also accessible anywhere in the ship. So even when he wasn’t in the same room as her, Raven could hear ALIE responding to him. He mainly seemed to ask about facts so she’d listen as ALIE recited information about the star systems around them, followed by a long pause and then the AI attempting to guess the answer to a topical joke Murphy had tried to make. 

After years of isolation, it was jarring at first. But a couple days in, Raven reluctantly admitted to herself that it wasn’t awful. 

In fact, it was actually really pleasant. 

The very idea of her finding anything Murphy did _pleasant_ though in turn made her anxious all over again and she found herself cycling through emotions. It was a far cry from the robotic lifestyle she had adopted.

For the most part they were able to keep away from each other throughout the day. Usually only interacting while grabbing pre-packaged food from the mess hall (he was lucky she’d recently gotten a surplus), they’d exchange brief pleasantries and then continue on their way. She had a begrudging appreciation for the fact that he didn’t push her. He didn’t force conversations and he didn’t seem to be looking for her to fill the gap in his life that was clearly there. He’d crack a joke or two, attempt to get at least a snort out of her, and then give her a wave as he disappeared into whichever part of the ship it was he hung out in.

That all changed the night that they passed Neptune. 

Passing any planet was reason enough to pause what you were doing and slow down. Getting the chance to watch something that massive and wondrous pass you––and without the threat of your ship being blown to pieces––was a unique opportunity. Even most people who space traveled commercially were usually asleep throughout the journey.

When the coordinates flashed at her that they were about to pass the ice giant, Raven quickly began to make her way to the observation deck. 

It was late, not that the ship showed any indication of that beyond the inner clock within it. The thing about being in space that got to people the most was the eternal darkness around them and Raven had made sure to keep herself regulated so that she maintained a normal schedule for her mind and body. So she could feel herself fighting back a yawn as she made her way to the desk, her mind wandering as she did. Which meant that she was caught off guard at the sight of Murphy already there and her mind was too slow to come up with something snarky to say.

“Oh, hey,” was instead all she managed. 

The two of them felt very small on the deck and it was hard to remember why she felt like she hated him so much in this moment. 

He nodded at her in return, and though he didn’t say anything, she didn’t take it personally. He wasn’t able to pull his gaze away from the oversized window that arched around them. She turned to look as well.

The cusp of Neptune was beginning to emerge on the edges of the double-floor height ceiling. Its rich blue hues tinged the depth of the space around them, creeping into their view. With only the hum of the ship around them, it was almost eerie to watch. 

This wasn’t Raven’s first planet by any means, but there was something about seeing it through Murphy’s eyes that made it feel different. 

Standing almost shoulder-to-shoulder, the two of them looked out of the window. She hadn’t ever been able to share this experience with anyone. Not even Shaw. The realization swept her up in a feeling of how personal this was and it made her oddly figedity. Just when Murphy began to realize that she couldn’t stand still, her brain jumped to a solution.

“Hang on,” she said quickly, “I’ll be right back.”

The hurry to her room gave her an odd rush. It was a flash of memories long ago of them being reckless teens fresh at bootcamp. The group of them sneaking alcohol back into Bellamy’s barracks to have a midnight party without getting caught. She wasn’t sure what made her want to recreate that feeling now – there was certainly no one to punish them for drinking now and it was just her and Murphy. 

But she lightly jogged to her room and then back to the observation deck all of the same, flask and glasses in hand. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d stocked up on alcohol. On the other hand, if it was as potent as she remembered it wouldn’t be a problem. 

Murphy’s eyes widened impressively as she handed him one of the glasses and leaned against the wall beside him. 

“A drink? Reyes you flatter me, but don’t you think we ought to get to know each other some more?”

Raven couldn’t help the flush on her cheeks at Murphy’s words. He was such a ridiculous flirt — a fact she had forgotten. It unsettled her, even though she knew he was teasing her. That was always how it had been, always reminding people that he was taken by Emori or just implying that everyone was interested in him. But he wasn’t with Emori anymore and everything was different than before, so she did her best to shake it all off.

“Let’s just say it’s to celebrate the two of us not killing each other yet. Anyway, don’t get too excited. This shit is bare bones alcohol with a severe burn.”

“Anything has to be better than Jasper and Monty’s moonshine,” Murphy let out a huff of laughter before his words registered with the two of them.

To her credit, Raven kept a steady hand as she poured the drinks even though she felt like the air was sucked out of her lungs. 

_This_ was why she hadn’t wanted Murphy on board. _This_ was why she distanced herself so much for everything and everyone in her life. It didn’t matter how many jokes he made, he was a reminder of her past. 

“I’m sorry,” Murphy said after a beat.

“Don’t be,” Raven interjected. “I’ve gone a long time not talking about them. And I guess I haven’t had anyone around me that knew them, so it just was unexpected.”

“It’s okay to think about them.”

She couldn’t look up to see the expression he’s making. She wouldn't let herself. Instead, she kept her focus on the planet in front of them. They were closer than normal to it, preventing them from seeing the whole circumference of the planet, leaving the window in front of them filled with the swirling blue surface. Murphy didn’t let her get lost in it though.

“Hell, I still get sad about them. But what good does it do to lock them away in your mind? That won’t take away the memories or their actions,” he continued, taking a hesitant step closer to her. He must notice her tense though because he only took one single step.

Raven clenched her jaw. 

How was she supposed to tell Murphy that every time she had thought of Monty, an echo of laughter followed by the day he couldn’t look at any of them anymore. How he’d had to cut them all out in order to continue believing that there were still good people out there because he couldn’t see it in them. 

That when Jasper slipped through her memories, she could only think of the trauma of the war and damage it had done as his image flickered between smiling and what she imagined he looked like before he took his own life? Thinking about them made her think about the war and then death and the blood on everyone’s hands, willing and unwilling. It was enough to make anyone spiral which was _not_ something she did. She always held it together. That was her job. 

If Raven had thought that it would be the end of that conversation, she was wrong. Not long after that first part of the topic, the alcohol burning through her veins, the two of them were sprawled out on the ground with their backs up against the wall as they looked out at space floating by them. 

“Are you in contact with any of them?” Raven was impressed that the words didn’t slur coming out of her. She couldn’t help herself. Call it morbid curiosity or the alcohol talking.

Murphy shook his head.

“Last I saw Monty and Harper was Jasper’s funeral. Though I think they’ve still got that farm somewhere, probably off the grid on Mars,” he said with a shrug. “Either way, he’s held onto his silent treatment to us so I wouldn’t know anything otherwise.”

The funeral was the last time she had seen them too. It had been a closed-casket because Jasper never did anything small, not even death. Her last image of Monty had been him resting his head on the metal casket as Harper gently rubbed his back. She hadn’t been able to read his lips but she knew he had been cursing out the war that had pushed Jasper that far and the world that had then left him behind when he had come home. 

“What about Bellamy and Clarke?”

“I didn’t realize you were still speaking to Clarke,” Murphy replied lazily with a small smirk on his face as he took a swig of the drink.

Raven rolled her eyes, but looked down at her hands and stared deeply at the drink in front of her. 

“Last time you were with all of us I wasn’t. But her mom died suddenly and well… the shared loss helped mend some bridges we hadn’t gotten to yet,” she said quietly. 

What she didn’t tell him was that a lot of the self-isolation she’d been doing since beginning these expeditions had helped ease her resentment as well. She’d seen life in such a black and white way back when they’d served together. She was the hands of the arrangement. The bringer of numbers. So when she’d felt that Clarke hadn’t made the right decisions, she’d lashed out. She didn’t take any of that back – she still agreed with her opinions back then. But she hadn’t realized the weight on Clarke’s shoulders until their squadrons had been split up and she’d had to take charge. Suddenly the gray area was the only place she could exist in and Clarke’s perspective had made more sense. But war had hardened both of them, only letting them finally crack when Abby had passed away unexpectedly. 

But Murphy, as his usual self, didn’t pry about it and Raven felt a rush of gratitude towards him. 

“I don’t know where they are,” he said eventually, as if knowing that her internal monologue was fading. “I think once they were free to just be themselves they had to get away from it all. I wouldn’t blame them either. Not if I had been a part of even the fraction of the bloodshed they’d been forced to be a part of.” 

That made sense. Raven raised her cup up to her side towards his, nodding her head at Murphy. 

“To running away,” she said, fighting to keep the wobble in her voice away. 

Murphy chuckled and then looked at her somberly. 

“To running away.”

They fell silent again. There was a floating feeling in Raven’s limbs and as sad as the conversation made her, she also couldn’t help but want to giggle. She hadn’t let loose like this in so long. But she also wanted to cry and she remembered this was why she didn’t like getting drunk and she didn’t like being around Murphy who made her feel everything all at once. The alcohol made her memory hazy and she couldn’t entirely recall if he had always so perfectly known how to get under her skin or read her thoughts.

She was about to say something when Murphy let out a low laugh. She cocked her head curiously at him.

“I was just remembering when Bellamy and I almost choked each other out,” he said in a huff of laughter before dissolving into drunk giggles. 

Raven burst out laughing, startling him.

“I’m sorry, you did _what_?” 

“It was before the military,” he managed to wheeze out, “when we went to high school together. A couple of punks with too much time on our hands. I still don’t really know if we were serious or not but god damn it’s funny to look back on. We tried to kill each other and then years later we’re saving each others’ skins in the middle of battle.” He wiped away tears of laughter before taking another swig of his drink.

“A special talent of our group. Hurting each other and then eventually trying to save each other.” Raven swung her cup up to try and toast Murphy again.

Instead, the laughter died in his expression and his eyes flicked to her leg. 

Raven closed her eyes at his pained look. “That’s… that’s not what I meant.”

“What else could you have meant?” He bit back, his voice rough. He couldn’t look her in the eyes anymore and she wished she hadn’t said anything.

“I ruined your life, Raven,” he continued. He almost never used her first name and her heart clenched for an unexplainable reason. “You could have been doing so much more but I shot you in the fucking leg.”

“You don’t know anything about me right now, it’s been years. I’m doing exactly what I want to do. Sinclair vouched for me regardless of my leg, advocated for me.” She struggled to sit more upright, regretting how much they’d had to drink even more now. This was never supposed to be a conversation they’d have, let alone after drinking. “Do you think I’d be doing solo missions if they hadn’t trusted me to be able to do it? Leg or not?”

He didn’t seem to have a response to that so she plowed on.

“I’ve proven myself to them, this isn’t a hindrance. It’s just a part of me and I can work with it. I have the anti-gravity track room to work out in, space is better on my joints anyway. It hasn’t stopped me so you can stop blaming yourself for it. You think too highly of yourself if you really thought I’d let that hold me back.”

She tacked on that last part in a twisted sort of sense of humor, unable to help herself. Of course she had been furious at him for shooting her. She’d prayed every night for him to feel the pain she had felt, physically and mentally. The rage that had consumed her was the only thing that kept her training, trying to strengthen her leg again. Raven didn’t believe that everything happened for a reason, that was a load of bullshit in a world full of unstructured chaos, but sometimes the bad things could turn out in the end. And like hell she’d let someone else’s actions be the reason she didn’t achieve her goals. 

Murphy took a final swig of his drink, knocking his head back into the wall as he drained the last of the alcohol. His face twisted as he swallowed it. He wouldn’t look at her.

It made her want to scream.

This wasn’t the Murphy she remembered, afraid to look her in the eye. He’d held her gaze as he’d watched her leave the medic’s tent. Her leg strapped tightly to a brace while she navigated her crutches for the first time. He’d been apologetic of course, accepting her refusal to acknowledge him. 

But he hadn’t sunk into himself like this. This wasn’t him. 

“If I still hated you for it, I would have shot you in the leg when I first saw you on my ship,” she finally mustered herself to say. She was daring him to look at her.

It worked. His head rolled to the side as he looked at her and she couldn’t help but blink in a drunken surprise at his red-rimmed eyes. She wasn’t sure she had ever seen Murphy cry – not even a hint of it like this. 

“I hadn’t known it was you when I shot. I mean, I knew you were in there, but I wouldn’t have done it if I had known I’d hit you,” he said, his voice low and thick. 

She didn’t know how to respond to that. 

Was it the excuse of a nineteen year old kid who had a gun in his hands long before he should have? An explanation of what happens when you thrust a kid from the streets into a war without teaching him what trust meant, what a team was? 

The taste of the alcohol burned in her mouth, turning to the taste of ash as she felt herself fall back into the memory of that day. Burning fire around them as she and Jasper had raced in to get Murphy from the second floor of the building. Gunfire outside while Bellamy and Clarke had struggled to keep the other side at bay, their muted green uniforms disappearing into the trees around them. 

They had only known where the encampment was because Murphy had told them. 

Murphy who had been a POW for three weeks because they’d kicked him out one night after he’d tried to attack the general’s son with a switchblade. It was supposed to be for a night, a quick punishment to get him to cool his head off. 

His resentment had made him open his mouth, tell the Eastern Republic’s military where they all were. A kid who’d made the mistake of believing the laws of the street – _I scratch your back, you scratch mine_ – would translate to the battlefield. Looking back at it, Raven could almost see why he’d believed that she and Jasper had come to finish him off that day. As the wreckage of the house fell around them, the place they’d been stationed at for months protecting one of the last natural pieces of the Amazon rainforest, they’d yelled his name out to come down to them. The heat had seared around them, flames threatening to lick at their ankles as they tried to yank down the attic door. 

He must have thought they didn’t want him to die at the hands of the fire, but by their own. A traitor’s death. He’d showered them with bullets from above. 

She almost hadn’t noticed she’d been shot until the ground was swaying around her, the flames coming closer as she’d toppled to the ground. It was only then she’d let out the agonizing scream. The rest of the days that week were a blur as she had vaguely remembered being carried out by Bellamy. At some point Jasper and Clarke had managed to get a hold of Murphy before he could escape.

His expression was the foggiest of her memories, as he’d past her while she was on the stretcher. 

As the memory faded again, along with the phantom pain she always felt in her leg when she thought about it, she blinked slowly and realized she was alone.

Murphy had gotten up and left her, clearly feeling like there was nothing more to say. And while she couldn’t recall his face from that day, the way he had looked at her just moments ago was now burned into her mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **where else you can find me:** [Tumblr](https://she-who-the-river-could-not-hold.tumblr.com/) | [Twitter](https://twitter.com/the_river_held) | [my carrd](https://she-who-the-river-could-not-hold.carrd.co/)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm super excited to be back to finish this story! Thank for all of the wonderful comments I've received on it, as well as on Tumblr. This chapter is actually brought to you earlier than expected thanks to hopskipaway on Tumblr! This chapter was prompted for t100 Fic for BLM Initiative, an initiative where writers and content creators are accepting prompts for donations that help support the BLM cause. If you want to learn more about it, you can check out the carrd for it [here](https://t100fic-for-blm.carrd.co/)! 
> 
> General content warning for a brief scene of violence in this chapter, as well as finally reaching the mild sexual content tag! I hope you like it!

Raven wasn’t sure what she wanted to happen after the night that she and Murphy had gone from watching Neptune glide past them to breaking down their biggest shared trauma. 

Murphy, at least, seemed interested in making everything feel completely as normal as possible –– as if he had never run from her that night and that they’d never discussed anything. For them, a feat she hadn’t expected possible. But the next morning he showed up outside the cockpit with his hands shoved in his pockets, a light smile on his face, and a casual “what do you need from me today, Reyes?”

It was like there had been no tears, no confessions of regret. Maybe this was how a cockroach survived: forgetting what they had endured to believe they were invincible. 

It turned out that John Murphy as a part of her crew worked pretty seamlessly. While his knowledge about ships was nearly nonexistent, he had a decent eye for parts after being in the underground trading business with Emori so he was quick to pick up on checking on _Sanctum_. His eyes even lit up when she finally described to him in more detail what her assignment was this time. She supposed it was him feeling like he finally had a direction after floating through the days after Emori broke up with him. 

She couldn’t blame him, it was a more exciting mission than normal for her. 

Alpha, a barely-chartered moon, had been in the process of being explored by a group of scientists. Everything had been going smoothly until one day it was like they completely disappeared. No radioing in, no reports or even satellite detection. Her role was easy in this, especially since it was just supposed to be a solo mission. She’d drop in and check out their camp; if it looked like foul play she’d fly back out and report back to get help out. If it was a lost cause and the moon wasn’t actually survivable, she’d report back and they’d leave it alone and let the bodies become a part of the ecosystem. 

There was a potential for something more, some level of danger possibly, which was probably what excited Murphy. She didn’t have it in her to tell him she’d done similar missions before and it usually resulted in just needing to fix some signals or just calling back for body bags for people who’d underestimated what they could handle. 

But if it gave him a purpose and he overlooked… well whatever it was that they’d shared that night… she was okay with it. If he could ignore it, so could she. 

In place of the almost-crying Murphy from that night was a jovial, attentive, sarcastic one. Which she would have just been the usual version of him if she hadn’t gotten a glimpse of that other side of him. 

The only time it was tricky to ignore Murphy and that night though was when he went into the garden. The watering system was automated, but he’d volunteered to help out with collecting the data on how the plants were going. But every once in a while she’d pass those glass walls and see him just sitting there, head tilted back in deep contemplation as leaves curled around him.

Away from the harsh lights of the ship, away from the metal siding that echoed his sharp features, he softened. And it made Raven’s heart pang and she always had to scurry away before she thought too much about it. 

She threw herself back into fixing up _Sanctum_ in response. She’d definitely need to splurge on some new things for it once she got the comps for this trip, but it didn’t mean there wasn’t work for her to do. The ship was still a flying piece of junk after all, even with the improvements she’d made already.

It was convenient and easy to explain her long absences to Murphy then –– not that he ever asked. 

First she kicked it off with some internal repairs, but when ALIE reminded her about the hole that needed to be patched on the starboard side of the ship, Raven moved her work to the outside. It was here, amongst the vastness of space, that she finally felt like she was able to relax and return to herself.

Which was of course when everything went wrong.

There was no sound in space so there was no sharp snap of wire to let Raven know that her tether had broken. 

Instead, she felt her body begin to lift and her stomach swooped.

Sheer panic enveloped her as she scrambled to keep her grip on the handle in front of her. Using her core and the strength of her one arm, she did everything she could to pull herself closer in. Her movements felt laborious and she fought back her instinct to panic.

If she hadn’t already been holding on, she would have been swept to the depths of space.

Nausea swept through her as she tried to steady herself against the side of the ship. 

_Just breathe, in and out_.

The part of her brain that controlled her life was telling her that panicking would only make this worse –– but that side was currently losing this fight. Raven could feel her breath quickening and her forehead was beaded with sweat. Her eyes fluttered shut even as her hands grasped at the metal. Her gloves slid against it and she couldn’t help the desperate whimper of panic. 

She didn’t want to die.

She’d spent the last few years doing only the bare minimum to exist, to only function as a human at its core elements. Jobs were menial not because of what they asked her for, but because they were just something else on a checklist. Another accomplishment, another sum of money granted to her. Just so she could improve _Sanctum_ piece by piece and further hurtle herself into space. 

They said the universe never ended but she certainly had been trying to find it. 

The edges of humanity and her sanity.

But right now, as she grappled herself to the side of her spaceship and tears built up in the corners of her eyes, she admitted to herself with a ragged breath that she didn’t want to just exist like that anymore. She wasn’t ready to die as much as it may have felt like she was never really living. 

She pulled on whatever strength inside her to look around and see if there was anything she could grab onto. Anything that she could use to pull herself in. 

There was a handle just to her right… another one further down… and then nothing. 

Fuck, she was so screwed. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to think of a solution. The part that she really didn’t want to acknowledge was that she’d left her SAFER back in the ship. Of course she knew you were supposed to always wear the jetpack with you when you did a spacewalk, but her own recklessness had only increased as of late with her apathetic nature towards life. But sitting here now, praying to whatever was out there, she knew she was done playing games like this. If she made it back in, she was going to go back to following all of the safety protocols. 

Just when she was trying to find ways to distract herself beyond counting to 100 over and over again, movement by the airlock caught her attention.

She blinked, trying to clear her vision from the unshed tears that were still there. It didn’t change what she was seeing.

Murphy, John Murphy, delinquent kid from Earth and treasonous soldier-turned-thief, was climbing out of the hatch in a spacesuit towards her. 

She had no idea that he even knew how to put one on let alone how to spacewalk. The surprise of seeing him didn’t outweigh the terror still racing through her, her arms still shaking from holding herself tightly to the side of her ship, but it was enough to distract her from collapsing in on herself in fear.

He moved cautiously, his own nerves palpable in his expression though he didn’t waver in his movements as slow as they were.

But he never let his eyes leave her face, giving her something to focus on. 

Time had lost all of meaning, the dizzying blackness of space around them removing any semblance of passing time. There were only small meteor rocks out in the distance, indicating _Sanctums_ ’ continuation forward. Instead, Raven tried to split her energy evenly between holding on and awaiting Murphy’s arrival to her side. And eventually, he was there.

He nodded at her, a reassuring glance to tell her that it was going to be okay.

She reciprocated, her breath sucked in and trying to not think of the possibility of now both of them dying out here.

It was hard to see his face, long shadows partially obscuring it as he looked down to his waist. Her eyes followed the movement, watching as he extended out a separate tether from his suit.

With a slight push off, he closed the distance between them and she was able to reach out and grip the cord, bringing it forward to attach it to her own suit. It would have been enough to bring her in on her own with that, but it was like he knew that physical exhaustion that was taking a toll on her. Even with the weightlessness of zero gravity, her mind wasn’t as sharply focused as normal. So Murphy stayed alongside her, his gloved hand steady on her arm as the two of them slowly made their way back towards the airlock. Letting himself float just away from the side, Murphy helped hoist her inside first before closely following her in. The hatch sealed shut behind them and the gravity in the room resumed operating after a drawn out beep from the system. 

Nearly collapsing against Murphy, Raven stumbled to the ground and he followed, kneeling beside her. She yanked the helmet off of her head and sucked in actual air in a moment of relief that felt like it went straight to her head as she recovered. 

Even with the oxygen filling her lungs, Raven choked in as much as she could, her chest heaving. It almost hurt to breathe but she needed that pain. A reminder that she was able to _feel_ it. That she was alive and she was back in her ship. Distantly she knew Murphy was talking to her but it felt like she was swimming underwater as the world closed around her. Her suit was heavy, too heavy. It was weighing her to the cold metal ground but she didn’t care. The heaviness of it told her that she was safe –– not floating uncontrollably in space without gravity to support her. She’d never been so happy to feel a solid surface beneath her. 

Eventually, the panic subsided. She could feel her breath evening out and everything around her steadied. Only then did she realize that Murphy’s hand was clutching hers. Her eyes followed the line of his hand in hers up his arm and to his face where he was looking at her with such alarm she almost apologized to him even though she had nothing to apologize for. Of course though, he’d never seen her break down before. She’d never let anyone see her so scared and now she saw her own terror mirrored in him.

The crease in his brow eventually smoothed as he finally took in her coming back to herself, studying her face for any more signs of tears. But he thankfully didn’t pull his hand away. She couldn’t put a name to why –– or maybe she just didn’t want to –– but she knew she didn’t want his hand to go anywhere. The rough, calloused hand of a thief who couldn’t admit that he was capable of stealing and hurting with those hands as much as he was helping someone up and healing.

The hand that now felt like a lifeline for her. 

She slowly worked her jaw, trying to find the strength to talk again.

“Was that––that your first spacewalk, Murphy?”

He nodded. Subtly she realized he’d stopped circling her knuckles with his thumb and wondered when he’d started.

“Didn’t know you even knew how to work a hatch,” she joked lamely. 

The comfort she’d found in him was beginning to dissipate as she watched him clearly begin to overthink. She could practically see his brain going into overdrive and she realized that similar to their time in front of the window, Murphy was beginning to retreat into himself.

“Yeah, Emori taught me some things around a ship.” His voice was tight and she wasn’t sure what to make of it. 

Just as she began to thank you, he suddenly let go of her hand and stood up. 

“I’m glad I saw you through the window,” he said simply, as if that was all there was to it. “And that you have extra suits.” 

She gave him a quick allover look, realizing she’d never seen him in a spacesuit before. He looked uncomfortable in it, but all of the same he’d managed to put it on quick enough to come and get her.

She could only nod in response, frozen in place on the ground as he gingerly slipped out of the suit and placed it alongside his helmet on the table beside them.

Unlike the other night, Raven this time watched as Murphy walked away from her. But this time she could see the hesitation in him. She clenched her jaw at the idea that he couldn’t bring himself to be around her, despite the reluctance that revealed itself in his expression. 

Wasn’t she supposed to be the one who couldn’t stand his presence?

Why did he get to be the one who walked away every time?

But her body was too exhausted for her to get bogged down by those feelings. 

Wheezing as she forced herself into a standing position, Raven wobbled her way towards the pods. She’d lost track of time and even though she suspected it was still early afternoon, she was determined to just sleep. She’d never been this shaken up before. Not since the war had she come this close to dying and the contrast of the moments was too much. 

She wasn’t even sure how to fully process the moment with Murphy. He’d saved her and then he’d walked away.

It was like a leak had sprung though. The animosity, the resentment, everything that had been building up over the years between them had deflated and released. Maybe the cynical side of her, the side that had militantly commanded her brain for the last few years, would have convinced herself that he only saved her to make up for what he had done to her back in the war. That it was his way of paying back his debt for shooting her and that he would consider himself absolved now by saving her life. But Raven knew that wasn’t true. No amount of skepticism within her could even really fathom that idea. 

So she was thankful when it came up on the navigation system that they were approaching Eligius. Processing her rapidly evolving emotions was something she wasn’t used to doing and she needed them to do something else, be somewhere else. And if this was where they parted ways maybe it was for the better. She couldn’t keep having flashbacks to nearly dying outside the spacecraft to only have Murphy’s face be the one that swam into view. 

But he’d been the one to walk away from her and Raven was done pushing people. If he didn’t want to address it or the weird tension between them, then this was where their story ended. Maybe she’d end up seeing his face around the solar system, just hopefully not on wanted posters. 

It still didn’t make that time any easier as they prepped to dock _Sanctum_ to the larger station.

“You ready to be free of me, Reyes?” Murphy teased. She tried to tell herself she imagined the hidden concern that tinged his question, belying his otherwise teasing tone. 

She managed a smile and knocked her elbow into his side. 

“You have no idea,” was her response.

Which wasn’t quite a lie and she’d figure it all out once she was by herself again on her ship, letting the silence facilitate her introspection. 

With one last adjustment of their suits, they both stepped forward to the exit hatch. A hiss as the airlock unsealed itself and it swung open, revealing the matching port that _Sanctum_ had lined itself up against. Raven started moving first, Murphy only a beat behind her as they used the handrail to slowly walk across. There was a brief instance of weightlessness as they passed to Eliugus, passing from one system of artificial gravity to another. When they reached the sealed doors on the other side, Raven used her fist to punch in the button and the doors slid open for them to step through.

It took only a matter of seconds to figure out that something was wrong. Horribly wrong.

Lights flickered around them. Most of them were out completely, darkening the hallways to a dull, muted green. There was chaos everywhere, scattered papers and boxes. Even a shoe at the corner of one of the branches from the main hallway. 

Raven cocked her head, her helmet almost hitting Murphy who had shifted to be alongside her.

“I know I’m not the brightest guy,” Murphy said slowly, his eyes darting around, “but I think some serious shit went down here.”

Raven glanced down at the monitor that was attached to the wrist of her suit.

“Oxygen is still good in here, we could take our helmets off.”

There was a hesitation on both of their ends, looking at each other skeptically. They seemed to share the thought that they wanted to be ready to leave at a moment’s notice, but they still gingerly took them off as they walked through the hallways.

The Eligius station was a deep-space one so it wasn’t like it was normally very crowded. Most ships didn’t come out this far. But there was still normally a hum to it, a buzz as researchers and explorers moved through the halls. Occasionally a mining ship would come in, usually one that worked under the Eligius brand, and it would be rowdier. Raven only occasionally stopped here, but even though it had been a while she knew that something was very off here.

A light crackled over their heads as they moved deeper into the hallway.

With a quick glance at Raven, Murphy shifted over to look into one of the porthole windows that faced a room. He didn’t react at first, his eyes straining to see in the darkness of the room.

But then he jerked back as if electrocuted.

“Fuck, there are bodies in there. Someone turned off the gravity in that room, they’re just––they’re just floating in there,” he exclaimed in horror, almost retching as he backed up to Raven’s side.

Freezing fear took over her body as she processed what he’d just said. But then she barely had the chance to let out a shriek of surprise as a large, meaty hand flew out of the shadows and grabbed her, a knife cutting off the sound as it pressed against her neck. 

Like a rag doll, she was so caught off guard, she was yanked away from Murphy’s side as the person holding her stepped into the light. Murphy in turn, jerked back. His hand instinctively went to his waist –– he’d no doubt carried a weapon while he was a thief. But today he didn’t have one and his hand palmed at emptiness.

“Let her go!” He barked, taking an unafraid step forward. “We’ve got no business with you.”

He stopped though when the man warningly waved the knife out in front, his arm shifting to hold Raven tighter to his body as he tutted at Murphy in disappointment.

“Not any closer please, I don’t want this little bird to fly away.”

Murphy gritted his teeth, watching the man with close calculation.

The man laughed. It was a crackling burst of noise that burst from him as if it was something he hadn’t done in a long time, rasping out of his throat. 

“They thought they were so clever, leaving me here. As if a McCreary has ever given up,” he growled, tightening his grip on Raven. “Diyoza thinks she got me this time, but as soon as you two are out of the picture, I can steal your ship and go after her.”

Raven tried to keep her breathing calm. Just like on the side of the ship, her life felt precarious and the situation of her control. But this time Murphy was already here to help, his hands up in peace as his eyes flicked between the two of them.

“Hey, just relax man. McCreary, right? That’s what you said your name was?”

The man jerked his head, seemingly in a nod. 

“How about you start from the beginning?”

Raven could tell that Murphy was doing his best to stall the situation and she was relieved at the idea that even if he didn’t already have a plan, he was doing whatever he could to give himself the time to come up with one. 

“It was supposed to be a mutiny,” he snarled in response. “We were going to take the ship but then we got here and they all didn’t back me up. So Diyoza decided to leave me here, leave me behind.”

Raven didn’t know who this Diyoza was, but clearly she was right in getting rid of this guy. Damn shame she hadn’t just thought to kill him herself so that the two of them didn’t run into him. She thought of the room of bodies, realizing with a sinking feeling that he’d been killing anyone who came to the station.

“They were all cowards anyway,” McCreary continued. His breath was hot against her cheek and Raven tried to not flinch too much. But at least he seemed to like hearing the sound of his own voice, giving them more time.

Murphy seemed to be thinking the same thing, his eyes drifting back to her.

She stared back at him, trying to figure out if he was trying to silently convey something to her.

It began to dawn on her and she gave him one long blink and hoped it was enough for him to get that she knew what to do.

“I get it,” Murphy said quickly, interrupting McCreary. “I struggle with authority too. Always so controlling, never willing to think outside the box so as not to upset the norms or whatever.”

He took a step closer.

“That’s close enough,” the man barked, but he seemed intrigued now. “And what do you know about dealing with authority?”

“Only that I got kicked out of the military for treason,” Murphy responded smoothly.

He took another step forward.

“I said to stay put,” McCreary snapped. And then he did what Raven was hoping he’d do –– he once again brandished the knife out away from her neck and towards Murphy.

She swung her arm back, the one not trapped by McCreary’s, and jammed her fist into his crotch. His body went slack in surprise and she twisted out from under, contorting his arm as she did and bending his wrist back until he dropped the knife. She managed to snag it by the handle, immediately turning and tossing it back to Murphy.

She then dropped to the ground and Murphy let the knife fly. 

She had a brief flashback to lazy days in bootcamp: Bellamy and Murphy, still friends at the time before Murphy’s betrayal, joking around and throwing knives at one of the trees as target practice.

This time, Murphy’s throw was confident.

The blade spun, flashing a bright green-tinted white under the lights before embedding itself in McCreary’s throat.

Right into his heart.

He staggered, sputtering at the impact. Raven scrambled to get to her feet, her body wobbly after holding herself so tightly in his grip. Blood spurted out between McCreary’s fingers as he desperately clutched at his neck, trying to stop his own demise.

It was too late for him though and he shakingly tried to swipe out at Raven’s as a last plea. He only managed to make her stumble a little bit, slipping away from him and nearly falling into Murphy’s arms as he helped right her. Once she was stable, they took off.

She couldn’t think about what would have happened if it hadn’t worked. If Murphy hadn’t been successful in the throw, what McCreary would have done to him in revenge. She wasn’t even worried about herself as she thought about it, only focused on the potential nightmare they’d just escaped.

Raven winced as the two of them began to run. Twisting out of McCreary’s grip had put an uneven pressure on her leg, aggravating it. Murphy’s head spun to look at her and she realized she must have made a verbal reaction to it. He didn’t have time to react with anything beyond slipping his arm around her to help lift the weight off of her leg.

The two of them raced back to her ship as quickly as they could. As they did though, she could feel all of the emotions begin to overwhelm her. Her strained breathing from running through the corridor choked up as she began to cry. 

She’d almost died fixing her precious ship; she’d almost died trying to complete a mission. 

Murphy had shown up, reminded her of everything she’d gone through and then he’d gone from the person who’d shot her leg to her savior –– twice. And all the while, potentially endangering his own life to save hers and then running away from her anytime emotions came close to the surface. An act that somehow felt crueler than it was. How did he get to come in and upend her life, making her realize feelings she’d never thought to acknowledge, but then just risk his life before she even had the chance to let him know?

Before long, Murphy was jabbing in the code to open up the airlock and they stumbled through the hatch and back onto her ship. The scene was almost a perfect mirror of when he’d brought her back inside the last time, except instead of being in shock from the experience, Raven was feeling everything. 

The phantom press of the blade to her throat, the sweat that had pool in the folds of her clothes underneath the spacesuit, the press of Murphy’s arm against her back.

She couldn’t stop crying now, the faucet having opened after so long of being a repressed reaction.

Murphy, however, hadn’t made the connection of why she was crying. 

“Hey, hey hey. We’re back here, it’s okay. Where did he hurt you?”

He didn’t wait for an answer, his words tumbling out of him as he rushed to get her out of a suit. He was looking for a wound, anything physical that could explain the overflow of emotion she was feeling. 

Raven did her best to push Murphy’s hands away, her own tears tracking down her face.

“Murphy –– MURPHY!”

“You have to let me make sure you’re okay!” He yelled back, refusing to stop his frantic search of her body for wounds. 

“Just fucking stop already!” This time she was successful in pushing him back, a choked up sob following her exclamation.

“What exactly did I do this time? I’m trying to help you!” Murphy spat out, his hands finally stilling as he jerked his head to face her.

“Don’t worry about me right now! YOU picked that moment to be the hero and risked your life! I can’t keep killing everyone that I love!” She raged back at him, anger coursing through her at his inability to understand why she was so upset. That with her history, how he couldn’t see the danger he was putting himself in. “I can’t––I can’t keep doing that,” she choked out, trying and failing to fully convey her feelings.

Murphy’s widened eyes at her and his following silence were what clued her in to what she had admitted out loud. 

“Do you mean it?” He breathed out. The desperation on his face was unguarded and raw. It made Raven’s breath catch to see it, a shiver crossing through her at how it made her feel.

“Yes,” she responded, making sure she didn’t wait too long to reply in fear of him retreating.

He nodded slowly, his eyes seemingly searching her face for something. He seemed satisfied by what he found and his gaze then flicked from her own eyes down to her lips.

It took only a moment for her to process what was about to happen.

And she did absolutely nothing to stop him from leaning down and kissing her. 

Everything that Murphy ever did was rough around the edges so Raven was startled when he was tender. 

She’d been expecting him to be more aggressive. There was a curiosity to the way his mouth moved against hers and a softness as well. He took his time, gently testing the feel of it all. She responded with equal quietness, letting the tension that had been building up slowly ease its way out through her hands slowly reaching up and running through his hair. She had a vague thought that she liked the way his new haircut felt, the rougher edges blending up into the softer, longer parts. As if echoing her, Murphy kept his kisses light but moved his hand up behind her cradling the back of her head with his hand. There was a sensation of trust in the movement, that he could take care of her, that flooded Raven with a feeling of warmth. 

But then her mind registered the way that it felt like his hand could encase the back of her head and it was like her senses lit up.

When Shaw had died those years ago, that freak accident involving an asteroid mining camp, she’d closed off that part of herself. She hadn’t even touched herself, let alone let anyone near her in that way. Right now in Murphy’s arms though, she felt herself burning and aching for it. 

They separated after a few minutes, but only slightly. She could still feel the possessiveness of his grip around her waist and she clung to the front of him.

“You do know I only hurt people I love right? That I drive them away and make them resent me?” 

There were equal parts laughter and pain in his voice as Murphy asked her that, dropping his forehead down to hers.

“Then I guess we’re made for each other,” she replied with a breathless laugh. They _were_ a mess. But then again, wasn’t everyone and the whole point was to find someone who could balance that out inside you?

Murphy was her opposite in so many ways, but in many ways it was in a way that complimented her. They could push and pull each other as needed. 

He echoed her laugh, lifting one of his hands to her chin to bring her back to him. She melted into the next kiss, feeling her hunger for him ignite as her hands explored the expanse of his back. At one point, her nails scratched against his spine and the moan she pulled out of him with it gave her a thrill, straight to her own core. He pushed his body more insistently against hers and she knew that this was going to keep going further. 

The idea that after all of this time it was going to be Murphy that she was physical with after her self-inflicted celibacy, was more natural than she could have ever imagined. So when she got the chance, with a quick nip of her teeth against the skin of his neck beneath his ear, she whispered to him how much she wanted him. 

He nearly growled at that, igniting her nerves. 

“Am I going to hurt you?” Murphy pulled back just enough so that he could look at her. Concern was etched across his face and it made her smile tenderly at him.

“I promise you won’t,” she reassured, her teeth tugging at her lip. She appreciated his decision to err on the side of caution in case she’d really been injured or aggravated her leg, but she really didn’t have it in her to wait any longer. Not when it felt like this had been something bubbling up for a long time. His quick assessment of her words seemed to be enough and his own desire was evident, pushing him to return back to kissing her.

She raked her hands against his scalp, taking close note of how much he responded to the feel of her nails against his skin.

He groaned into her hair, nosing at her neck.

“I won’t let you keep running away from life,” he whispered, his voice tickling against her ear and making a high pitched sigh escape from her. “Not anymore. The answers you want aren’t in out in deep space––” _a pause to deeply kiss her_ “––they’re in you.”

With those words, he suddenly hoisted her up into his arms and she let out a squeal of laughter in surprise. 

She wasn’t sure if he was going to make an effort to get all of the way to their pods, not that those were an ideal location for sex, but she selfishly didn’t want him to worry about it since they were so far from them. That could wait for another time. But it seemed like he was reading her mind, and with a dramatic sweep that reminded her of the romance stories she’d barely let herself dream of, pushed aside the scattered items on the desk next to them, their helmets clanging to the ground. Something about this being the same room where he’d saved her continued to spark those other feelings beyond desire in her. The way that this felt like a reflection of their relationship with each other made the spontaneous location, mixed with their history, even more appropriate.

Once she was on the table, leaning back on her elbows, he finally slowed down. His fingers danced across her legs, leaving behind goosebumps in their wake. She waited, chest heaving as she caught her breath, watching him move. He was entirely focused on her legs, and more specifically her left one. She stilled as she watched him move. 

Murphy knelt down, leaning his face in towards her knee. And then he titled his head to the side and placed a gentle kiss on her leg. 

Raven tried to not let tears build up in her eyes as he continued on his path, decorating her wounded leg with peppered kisses and delicate rubbing of his hands. He began to ease off her brace and as he pulled his mouth back to plant another kiss, she picked up on the murmured apologies falling from his lips as he did so. 

It was unexpectedly emotional for her and she took in a shuddering breath as her desire was enhanced by a rush of affection. 

She’d had hate sex before with people and she’d had casual sex with people. While their past could have lent this moment to either side of the coin, Raven knew this would be something entirely different. 

Once her brace was removed, put down on the floor with much more care than the table’s earlier items, Murphy surged back up to reclaim her lips with his.

In between open-mouthed kisses against his shoulder and Raven’s hair being pulled from the tight ponytail she always kept it in, eliciting a deep moan from her at the release, Murphy shed his clothes. He helped her twist out of her remaining shirt and finally they were both completely undressed. Despite his usual hardened persona, vulnerableness suited Murphy well as he stood before her baring himself. She let her fingers run from his shoulders down his chest, dancing across his stomach before finally reaching her destination. 

The way Murphy’s moans tickled her ear made Raven determine that all of her past relationships had been too quiet in bed. Just as much as Murphy never shut up during the day, as a lover he was no different. 

When the two of them finally joined together, she felt like she might fall apart at the slightest touch. All of her nerve-endings were on fire from the attentiveness from Murphy, the way his hands had found every piece of her to worship. Their movements felt like second-nature, even though the nature of their interactions had never been like this in their past. But the familiarness she found in his arms, reaching her peak, came to Raven as naturally as space and mechanics did. This was all organic though, a far cry from the isolated coldness she’d put herself in. This was the heat of the burning sun and the brightness of the galaxies all coming together as she let out a cry from her climax. Only seconds later, Murphy joined her as he finished. 

Raven felt like she could see the stars that surrounded the ship as she slowly came back into herself. Dazed, she laughed as Murphy ran his hands and further messed up his hair. He lazily leaned back down at the sound of her laugh, a cocky smile on his face as he drew her into a long kiss before resting his head on her chest.

“You know, we never got that fuel,” Raven hummed. 

Murphy chuckled, his nose tracing against her collarbone from where he’d rested his head. “Fair. I figured making sure you were okay was more important.” 

She warmed at his words, planting a quick kiss to his forehead.

“Well, I’m more than okay now. But this table is getting cold and it’s not like McCreary is going to come back to life so we should be good to get more.”

Groaning, Murphy slowly pulled himself off of her and into a standing position. “Please don’t ever mention his name while you’re naked, I can’t handle it,” he teasingly whined, bending down to help grab her clothes for her. 

She laughed, feeling lighter than she had in a long time. 

Wandering hands and stolen kisses exchanged in between buttoning up buttons extended the process of getting dressed again, lingering on the small details of each other as they did. 

Raven practically felt like she was glowing, even as they armed themselves this time as a precaution before returning to the space station to refuel. When they had successfully taken care of her fuel supply, they returned to the ship so that she could report the situation back to the government and Murphy’s hands settled on her shoulders, gently kneading out any stiffness she still had in her. She’d practically preened at the relief it gave her (and then subsequently pushed him up against a wall to make out with him once she hung up the Comm radio). 

The last leg of their trip to Alpha went smoothly –– a sharp contrast to the harrowing couple days they’d experienced. But Raven welcomed it. It gave them time to settle into this new relationship with each other. More sitting at the vast window they’d sat at to watch Neptune, holding hands as they worked through more of their past. Sometimes separate stories, sometimes intertwined. Both of them had kept their past as ghosts in their minds and Raven felt herself coming back into herself each time they did. 

She’d spent so long throwing herself into her work and into the deep recesses of space, she’d almost become as artificial as the AI that ran through her ship. And Murphy had been running too, running from rejection and the fear of not being able to be accepted. 

Two lost souls in the galaxy, inadvertently hurtling towards each other only to collide and create something new together.

So maybe, despite it being an attempt to lose herself, Raven had actually discovered who she was and who she had the potential to be. 

* * *

_“Our passionate preoccupation with the sky, the stars, and a God somewhere in outer space is a homing impulse._ **_We are drawn back to where we came from.”_ ** _– Eric Hoffer_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with this chapter and a huge thanks again to Elle for prompting this! If you missed it previously, [here is the moodboard I made](https://she-who-the-river-could-not-hold.tumblr.com/post/615582178008612864/we-are-stardust-we-are-golden-raven-x) for this fic as well!
> 
> Again, please take a look at the [the carrd](https://t100fic-for-blm.carrd.co/) for the initiative and if there's story you're dying to see, submit a prompt!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the fic and thanks for reading!!

**Author's Note:**

>  **where else you can find me:** [Tumblr](https://she-who-the-river-could-not-hold.tumblr.com/) | [Twitter](https://twitter.com/the_river_held) | [my carrd](https://she-who-the-river-could-not-hold.carrd.co/)


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